Story time!

It's Saturday and that means it's time for me to post my first round of stories. Usually I'll only do one story a week but since I only received two suggestions this past Monday I decided to write two stories.

Today I will post them and open them up for comments from my readers. Here are a few guidelines for the commenting:

-The purpose of this blog is to improve my writing so I need constructive criticism as well as compliments. Don't be afraid to tell me about something you didn't like or that could be improved.


-Try to keep the comments aimed at me. If you like something about the story and someone else hates it, don't get into a big discussion about why they're wrong. Just agree to disagree.


-If there is something you don't like, be specific. Don't just say "I didn't like that part" tell me why you didn't like it and if you know how I could make it better, say that as well.


-The purpose of this blog is to improve my writing. If you disagree with any of my views expressed in the stories be they religious, social, political or whatever, this is not the place to comment on it or have a discussion. I moderate all comments (to avoid spamming) and if you try to comment about my views or start a debate I won't post your comment. Save the soap boxes for another day.


All that being said I'm going to post the first of my short stories. As I said before, it is a very rough draft so keep that in mind as you read it. This story was suggested by Elaienar and is about a girl who has a talking mouse in her mattress.

  Rachel ran up the stairs into her room and threw herself face down on the bed. Her cell phone in her hand was still vibrating with received text messages. Wiping her eyes she looked down at her phone. Five new messages from Tyler. What could he possibly have left to say?

“It’s not you, it’s me. I need to focus on my schoolwork right now. Parents say I need better grades to get into college. Don’t be mad at me.”

“Don’t be mad at me?” Rachel repeated incredulously. “He breaks up with me a week before prom and the best he can say is don’t be mad at me?”

  Down the hall Rachel could hear her sister’s music playing loudly in her room. She slid off the bed, walked across her room and shut the door. The last thing she needed right now was to hear her sister singing love songs at the top of her lungs.

  Sitting back down on the bed she deleted the rest of Tyler’s text messages unread. He would have plenty of time to concentrate on his grades now but she was without a boyfriend and a prom date.

 “Whatever, I give up on love,” she decided, laying back on her pillows and staring at the ceiling.

“Don’t give up yet,” said a small voice.  Rachel sat up and looked around the room. She checked her cell phone to make sure she hadn’t accidentally dialed someone’s number.

“I’m not on the phone, I’m over here,” said the voice again. It was coming from somewhere on the bed. As Rachel scanned the blankets she spotted a small mouse sitting calmly at the foot waving at her. She screamed and hopped off the bed pointing at the mouse and shaking her head.

“You’re a mouse. You’re not supposed to talk,” she babbled. The mouse laughed a tiny yet disturbing laugh.

“Everyone assumes we can’t talk but no one really ever stops to ask,” he said. “I’ve been talking most of my life as have all the other mice I know. My name is Henry.”

  The mouse held out his paw as if to shake hands.

“I’m Rachel,” said Rachel, frowning confusedly and holding out her own hand.  The mouse took hold of her pinky finger and shook it enthusiastically.

“Why are you in my room?” Rachel asked, still not totally believing she was conversing with a rodent. Maybe her break-up with Tyler had affected her more deeply than she realized.

“It was the most comfortable out of all the rooms in your house,” the mouse explained. “I like making my nest in beds and you had the nicest mattress.”

  Rachel looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

“You live in my mattress?”

“Yes and I quite enjoy it. Except when you fling yourself upon it so violently as you did moments ago. I was planning to talk to you about it which is why I made an appearance. I only do so under the most extreme circumstances since many humans react as you did when they discover a talking mouse.”

“Can you blame me?”

“I suppose not. But now that we’ve established that I am a mouse who can talk I feel like we can move on to the heart of the issue. You and I are sharing this bed and I feel like we should agree to some rules of conduct.”

  Rachel gave the mouse a confused look and walked cautiously back to her bed. She sat on the edge watching the mouse’s every move ready to flee again should it become necessary.

“I’m not ok with sharing my bed with a mouse,” she told him. The mouse looked offended.

“I don’t see why not. I barely take up any room and it’s obvious that before a few moments ago you were not even aware I existed.”
“You’re a mouse,” Rachel said, as if that explained it all.

“And you’re a human who is talking to a mouse. I don’t see a problem,” the mouse said cheerfully.

“So back to the topic of your bed,” the mouse began. “I think we should agree on some ground rules.”  Rachel interrupted him.

“I don’t want to make ground rules. If you don’t like my bed you can move. Go live in my sister’s mattress. I’m sure she would love that.”

  The mouse smiled and puffed out his chest.

“I’m glad you think we would get along. What kind of mattress does your sister have?”

  Rachel rolled her eyes.

“I have no idea. And I was being sarcastic anyway. My sister would freak out if she found a talking mouse in her bed. You’re safer with me. For some reason, I’ve accepted the fact that you’re talking and I’m actually talking back. I must be insane.”

“Not insane, just open-minded,” the mouse assured her.

“Tyler would think I was crazy for talking to a mouse,” Rachel said.

“Well he sounds like a quite unadventurous young man then,” the mouse observed. “It’s probably for the best that you got rid of him.”

“I didn’t get rid of him, he got rid of me,” Rachel cried, throwing herself on the bed again so violently that it catapulted the mouse off the bed and onto the floor. He lay there for a second, dazed, then got to his feet and climbed back up on the bed.

“You really should be more careful. You could have squashed me,” he told her.

“Sorry,” Rachel muttered, not totally believing that she was apologizing to a mouse.

“Don’t let yourself be so upset about this boy,” the mouse said comfortingly, crawling over and putting a sympathetic paw on her hand.

“You are young and there are other mice in the sea.”

“I think you mean fish,” Rachel corrected. But the mouse shook his head.

“Fish are notoriously bad at relationships.”

Rachel laughed feeling slightly better.

“I guess you’re right. There are other guys. Gary in my algebra class is kinda cute and sometimes he sits with me at lunch. Maybe I can get him to ask me to prom,” she said dreamily.

“But I still miss Tyler.”

The mouse nodded and patted her hand consolingly.

“You will feel better over time. And you always have my shoulder to cry on. Figuratively of course,” the mouse clarified. Rachel smiled surprised that a talking mouse could be so delightful.

  Just then there was a knock on the door and Rachel’s sister Sarah came in the room.

“Who are you talking to?” she asked, looking around to see if anyone else was there. Rachel looked down at the mouse who was crouching near the foot of her bed under some folds in the blankets.

“Um…would you believe a talking mouse?” she asked Sarah. Her sister laughed.

“Don’t be silly, Rachel. Mice can’t talk. Just admit you were talking to yourself.”

Rachel looked down at the mouse again who appeared to be silently laughing.

“Alright, I was talking to myself,” she admitted.

“Well stop being a weirdo and come eat dinner. Mom made lasagna.”

Rachel slid off the bed and the mouse slipped back into his hole.

“Did you really think I’d believe you were talking to a talking mouse?” Sarah asked as they made their way downstairs.

“Of course not, I was just kidding,” Rachel said. “Everyone knows mice can’t talk.”

  Sarah nodded and Rachel knew no one would ever believe there was a talking mouse in her mattress. 

I hope some of you made it to the end. Feel free to comment on the story. I will post the other story I wrote this week, later on tonight!